In June 1845 there was never any need for you to fight with the receptionist to get an appointment with your doctor. In fact, you didn’t need a doctor at all, just a copy of the newspaper. Let me show you.
Here below are extracts from advertisements in The Welshman Newspaper, which was published in the west of Wales between 1835 and 1940 and when the sea mist came in and held Cardiganshire in a chill embrace, I am sure there was comfort to be had from the promise of easy cures, good health and long life contained within its advertisements.
The very first things you will notice, and they may, indeed, be all you will ever need, are the remarkable powers of Holloway’s Ointment. We are told about Mrs Old who had a diseased leg and foot that were so bad they soon took on the appearance of a tree trunk, full of ‘knots, rucks and rolls of hard flesh.’ Surgeons could do nothing for her, but after the application of Holloway’s ointment and a couple of Holloway’s special pills, she could walk for miles everyday day, whilst her contemporaries awaited the invention of the bus pass.
Now, I sense that you might be sceptical, but your cynicism is unfounded. James Sexton reports that the bleeding cancer on his wife’s face cleared up completely after just a couple of dabs of the stuff. I don’t know how it is that we have lost the recipe but we need to find it urgently, because we are told of a farmer’s legs that become so bloated with water that they actually burst in three places and he was given two days to live, which must have been very inconvenient in the middle of lambing season. But there was no reason to worry, for Holloway’s pills cleared it up. To be honest they could cure anything. Covid isn’t mentioned, but if it can deal with ‘Asthma, Bowel complaints, Constipation, Debility, Dropsy, Dysentery, Female irregularities, Fits, Gout, as well as piles, rheumatism, sore throats, scrofula or King’s Evil, Ulcers and Worms of all kinds,’ then coronavirus will just be a walk in the park. I mean, this is like a whole hospital in pill form. And really, in its reassuring simplicity, Holloway’s Pills are up there with a couple of paracetamol and a lie down.
I have to say though, that there is a certain comfort to be had the marketing of Parr’s Life Pills, (the best Medicine in the World) ‘established as the only certain cure of disease in the human frame.’ For, of course, ‘every disease will soon vanish from the effects of this popular remedy.’ They were especially good if your whole system was ‘deranged’ and you were ‘costive and bound up.’ Well, we’ve all been there. There was a group of agitators who argued that all these benefits – and more – could be more simply acquired through the use of cod liver oil but I think Parr’s, with their clever branding, had the upper hand in terms of marketing.
Of course, they did face competition from Frampton’s Pill of Health, which you have to agree is a bit of a snappy name. It was, naturally, ‘the best aperient and antibilious medicine’ and was a firm favourite amongst those with a more prosperous life style. For discerning readers, who have ‘a full habit and free livers, who are continually suffering from drowsiness, heaviness, and singing in the head and ears, they offer advantages that will not fail to be appreciated. This medicine has for many years received the approval of the most respectable classes of society,’ which is just the sort of reassurance you need.
Naturally there are always Henry’s Magic Pills for gout and rheumatism which ‘astonish everyone who has taken them.’ Fair enough and each to his own, but they sound a bit too Roald Dahl to me.
By the way, if we need to talk discreetly, let me reassure you that if you have acquired an unfortunate social disease, Perry’s Purifying Specific Pills are just what you are looking for, or for more stubborn infections, you could try his Concentrated Detersive Essence, which will also remove pimples. And if you are lacking in vigour, and who isn’t, what about his Cordial Balm of Syriacum? I probably need that on tap.
Mr Perry also offers a book, too. The Silent Friend, where all your personal questions are answered. It deals with physical decay, nervous debility, constitutional weakness, excessive indulgence and offers important observations on marriage. One review says that they believe everyone can benefit by the advice contained in its pages. The valuable hints it conveys could be important for those who are apprehensive of entering the marriage state. In fact, the book is ‘thoroughly conversant with the treatment of a class of complaints which are we fear, too prevalent in the present day.’ We know what you mean and it just shows how little progress we have made since 1845. I would have to say though, that we are hardly likely to see today an advertisement which asks, as it did in The Welshman, ‘Are you suffering from the follies and frailties of early indiscretion?’ These days we can be a little too fastidious.
There is another book advertised which seems to be mining the same productive seam. You are invited to take delivery ‘in a sealed envelope’ (they had thought of everything) of a copy of Self Preservation. This was, I am sure essential reading, and certainly is still deserving of a place on the bookshelf of the mature male, for it was a popular essay on ‘concealed disorders originating in excesses or infection and terminating in nervous debility and a premature decline in manly strength.’ I am amazed that it is no longer in print.
